Song to Encourage and my thoughts as a survivor

 'Tunnel' by THIRD DAY

It was not God’s perfect will or plan for Isaac to make the choice he made to commit suicide, but God knew Isaac and loved him more than we could possibly imagine. He received him instantly into his arms. My heart is broken but Isaac is forgiven.

Isaac’s name means laughter and promised one. He brought so much joy and laughter, love and friendship to many who knew him. He was loved so much, how could he not know it and have hope? I believe he would ask us to forgive him for leaving and making a permanent choice to a temporary situation. I choose to forgive my son Isaac.

I have asked the question why???? So many times… logically, I see my son, a beautiful, intelligent young man who had so much potential. Yes, Isaac had faced some very difficult circumstances… many of which he had overcome. He had suffered some unfair situations that were part of his life experience but somewhere along the line, in a way that I am unable to comprehend, it became too big, too much, and too painful in his mind. So, at times when the anger rises because of the hurt, the guilt and my mind doesn’t want to accept how I feel…I have to remember ‘the suicidal mind does not think logically'. It has lost hope in the midst of an emotional battle that is pure agony I am told. So much so that ‘the primary goal in suicide is not to end life, but to end pain’. 

If you are hurting please hold on to hope. Call someone now. If you need someone safe to talk to call: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  I struggle with confusion and emotional turmoil over all of the should haves, could haves, whys, and then wondering How am I going to survive this??? How will his sisters, his family, & his friends? I don’t want Isaac to be forgotten, hidden because it hurts too much to remember.

Losing a loved one, a child, a best friend hurts so badly. We Suicide survivors, no matter what category relationship we are in, live in emotional turmoil and ache from being disconnected from Isaac and those we love. I read somewhere that suicide survivors tend to blame themselves because subconsciously we resist the truth that we cannot control all of the events in our lives. How true! Instead we would rather fault ourselves for this tragic occurrence than accept our inability to prevent it.

Guilt is the one negative emotion that is universal to all suicide survivors and it is a solitary trip but it is a false accusation. Guilt causes anger, anger makes us want to blame ourselves or someone else but the fact is: Isaac chose it. Isaac would not want us to destroy ourselves.

Overcoming guilt is one of our greatest obstacles. My heart aches so fiercely with sorrow; at times, it burns a hole in my entire being. I am so deeply sad that Isaac hurt so much and that he fought such battles in his mind. Through the years I longed to wrap Isaac, and his sisters when they are hurting, in my arms and touch their hearts with peace. I have no idea all of the things he felt. So, instead of casting blame and because I can’t be angry at Isaac because it is so sad the senseless loss of a beautiful life… I pray that I will accept his choice.

Losing someone, especially to suicide is not something you get over! Your life has been forever changed, you are forever changed. At times it seems too intense to share, but God is there even if you don't know how or what to pray except help me!!!... Jesus knew sorrow too. You can not avoid what you feel forever. You can’t run from it or walk around it. We have to walk through the feelings we experience. If you fell and broke your leg you don’t get up like nothing happened and run on it! It is painful and you have to give yourself time to heal.  You need to be able to talk about how you feel and talk about the one you love and miss. Remember the good times, no one is perfect so we cannot idolize them but we can extend grace and forgive as we want to be forgiven...of things real or things we imagine we could have, should have done. 

I read the Suicide Survivor’s Affirmation by Jeffrey Jackson and want to share it with you… perhaps it will help you too.  I modified it for Isaac: 

   Someone I loved very much (Isaac) ended his own life. I will never truly know all that was happening in his mind that brought him to that tragic choice. However, there are things of which I can be reasonably certain. 

   If he were here, even he could not fully explain his mindset or answer all of my questions. 
   In his state of mind, he could not have fully comprehended the reality of his own death. 

   He could not have fully appreciated the devastating impact his suicide would have on the people in his life. 

   As such, by his last act, he made his most tragic mistake, unknowingly creating unparalleled pain in the hearts of those whom he most loved (or loved him). 

   Isaac is beyond my help now in every way but one: 

   I can help Isaac by working to ease the pain he has caused and by not allowing his most enduring legacy to be one of tragedy. He benefits from this help whether or not I perceive him as welcoming it, in the same way that we help the aggressor whenever we nurse the victim ~ by minimizing the damage he has caused. As a result, each and every day, I can help the person I lost (Isaac) by: 

   *Enjoying life      *Smiling and laughing     *Not dwelling in feelings of sadness or remorse (that doesn’t mean you won’t feel it, but rather you choose not to stay there ~ you can allow yourself to feel the pain/sadness and then let go a little and be present in your moment now)    *Loving others & let them love you      *Taking new steps in life toward positive new horizons      *Helping those who feel their loss to do the same      *And in short, not letting his mistake continue to create sorrow, neither in the world around me, nor in myself

I will try to picture my lost loved one (Isaac) asking me to do this every day to please help undo the damage he caused in whatever little ways possible.
I promise, I will Isaac ~ I love you, always have, always will...

It is ok to let people love you and to trust in God's unconditional love.
I hope as you read this that you will have hope in your heart. If you are struggling talk with someone, know that God is with you, that you are precious beyond measure, you are loved!

If you need someone to talk to and don’t know where to turn, perhaps someone you loved
committed suicide, if you want to talk you may  ~ email me at
(Please refer to Isaac's website in the subject) and I will be there for you. 
Isaac will always be with us in our hearts… I look forward to the day when I get to hug my
son again. Until then, I will carry on living each day the best that I can and being grateful
for each moment I am given.

Live today like it is your first, you have no past ~ be present in the moment now, tell people you love them and let them love you! Live

Sincerely with love, Debbie Kerr ~ Isaac, Rachael, Christina & Mary's Mom

Irish Blessing:






Dance as though no one is watching you,
Love as though you have never loved before,
Sing as though no one can hear you,
Live as though heaven is on earth.














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